Apatheia

I've been slowly dying for the past ten days, wait -- maybe six months. My ailment is not a physical one. Rather, I've self-diagnosed myself with what the Stoics refer to as "Apatheia" -- a state in which I lack passion and feel indifferent to the things that I cannot control in my life. Where I felt things were worth improving or fighting for, I now shrug my shoulders. This case of Apatheia stems mostly from the fact that after July 05, I will not return to Saudi Arabia for a very long time. Instead, I will go home, spend time with my family, and then return to the Middle East in August to start a new job in a new county at a new university. With six weeks left to go and so much work to do, I feel a bit overwhelmed. On good days, I'm able to rally my work spirit and manically work on projects and grading. On off days, I don't get nearly half the work I would have liked to accomplish done, which makes me even more overwhelmed and disillusioned. Thankfully, God is faithful and only gives me what I can handle on any given day. To ease the burden of packing, organizing, and tying up loose ends, he sends Saudi friends my way that offer helping hands and opportunities to experience and understand their culture as much as possible before I leave.

While I haven't yet told my students that I'm leaving -- I really dread their reaction -- I think that they think something is up. In class yesterday, I apologized to them for not being able to be my best with them over the past 2 weeks (have been inundated with giving presentations, a language conference, and having to edit and organize hundreds of pages for the university website). Despite this, they are making progress with their grammar knowledge and work on their long essays on an Arab figure of their choice. What has brightened my heart this week was the admission from two different students in two different classes that they love me. Now, it may be a language barrier that makes them express love when they really want to express appreciation. However, it is a nice feeling when a student says energetically at the end of class after a hard, yet fruitful lesson, "Teacher, I love you so much! I understand now!" Keep sending the love my way, students. Perhaps it will help me get out from under the blankets of Apatheia.