Who am I really? (Part 3 of 40)

There was a time where I went through a trashy historical romance novel-reading phase. Ironically enough, in reading trite romance novels, one can become a better writer by observing and then avoiding most of the rhetorical devices demonstrated in the genre (no disrespect to those of you who do write thrilling romance novels, of course). That being said, there was a book that would use the word juxtoposition every tenth page or so, whether the word fully fit the context or not. I'm badly paraphrasing here, "In her heart, beat the juxtoposition of duty to her family and duty to this man." I'll leave you to be the literary judge on that poetic sentence. In this post, I find myself using this word in context, and I hope not to overuse it within these 500 words.

Yesterday, I shared with you my public projections, both perceived and confirmed. Today, I present to you a juxtaposing segment that I'd like to call: inner monologue v. external observation. Statements in bold are comments that people have said to me. Statements in regular font are my inner monologue responses to those statements.


Monique, you're such a confident person. The fact that you are telling me this makes me feel insecure.

You're a real go-getter. If I were to not be actively aspiring towards or doing something and taking more time to do said thing than an average person would, it would mean that my mind would be free to think, and I would think too much about the injustice of the world and the perceived loss of humanity that we face ever day, that I would completely shut down. A more impolite person would be more honest and label me as a challenge and service junkie, not a go-getter.

You're really quiet. It's because you don't know me. If I'm not comfortable with you, then I feel more inclined to listen to what it is you have to say, rather than me sharing my life story or pontifications with you.

You've got such beautiful blonde hair. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I'm now going to have to read The Economist online or a classic piece of literature to make myself feel well-informed and read to counter my internalization of the American culture stereotype that blondes are slow on the uptake.

You've got such a lovely face. Is there a negative coordinating conjunction that you wanted to add there to make a complex sentence that finishes "...but the rest of you isn't so lovely."? If not, then I thank you for not finishing that thought.

Your face is like water. I can tell what you're thinking at every moment. Clearly, the water you are likening my face to is pretty murky, 'cause I'm thinking some really bad thoughts about you right now.

The list could go on of observations and thoughts in contrast. Essentially, what I hoped to illustrate was that perceptions of myself are often not in line with perceptions that others have of me. Many people tell me that I am an out-going person. This surprises me because I often perceive myself to be a wallflower trying to feel out the scene of life before detaching from the sweat-soaked cinder block gymnasium and joining the dancers for a circle dance to cap off the night. This, of course, is true for most people. We perceive ourselves to be one type of person, but if we were to observe ourselves the way that others do, we'd see a different image, either positive or negative.

Since today's post breached into the internal workings of my thoughts, we will now focus on the internal for a few days. Roll out the x-ray machines, please.