The Memory of Elephants

In general, I believe that I am a good person. This belief stems mostly from the fact that I have an ability to draw people to me with a simple smile, a courteous gesture; the ego-bolstering knowledge that students have recommend me to other students; blessings I receive from God; and a wide and varied network of friends. I attribute my ability to draw people in to my knack for learning and remembering people's names in a short amount of time. Students are amazed that I know their face and can call them by name at the end of the first class session. Acquaintances are pleasantly surprised that I call them by name at a second meeting, even if the distance between the first and second encounter is a long time. What's my secret? I have the memory of an elephant.

Now, I won't say that I hold an elephant-like memory when it comes to facts and figures that I don't use on a regular basis, or remembering vocabulary without some sort of productive practice, or quoting Shakespeare. But I can describe, in uncanny detail, 95% of social events and gatherings that I've been to. I can remember whom I spoke to, what the conversation was (mainly), and what music (if any) was playing over the loudspeaker. What a gift!

Like any fantastic super power/skill, there is a downside. With this elephant mind, the conversations that I have had still ring true in my mind when I recall them. On the positive side, I remember good jokes this way. On the negative side, I remember hurtful words, inconsistent temperaments, and uncomfortable situations acutely.

At this time, I am faced with the knowledge that two people -- one whom I loved as a sister; one whom I loved -- may or may not have greatly crossed the bold red line of infidelity. As God's children with free will, they may make this decision. As people whom I spent a lot of time caring for and trusted, their choice (which on a paramount level involves me) I cannot help but feel, synonymously, completely disarmed and ready to attack with any blunt object at my disposal.

A clever Lithuanian student with whom I interacted with two summers ago once asked, "We are called to forgive and forget when a wrong is done to us. How do we do this?" This question prompted a 20-minute discussion on forgiveness, and ultimately the small group participating in the discussion arrived at the conclusion that yes, Christ calls us to forgive; however, we need not be made fools of again and again by forgetting. We forgive, but we do not forget the experience, for the experience is where the lesson is learned.

Months ago, I forgave these individuals, and yet, the wound has been uncovered and dashed with salt. In trying to process everything, I curse this elephant memory, yet I know that there is some knowledge and comfort to come from all this somehow. For those of you who are religious, I ask that you keep me in your prayers. For those of you who are not, I ask that you keep me in your thoughts.